36

Today is my birthday. I'm 36. I've spent so many birthdays in the past crying, feeling like he doesn't love me, feeling like he doesn't care about me, feeling wrong and like I'm wasting his time for wanting to take part in some of the traditional birthday type of stuff - breakfast in bed, cards, presents, etc Today is a new low though - he has completely forgotten it's my birthday. I'm not even upset. I'm numb to it. Crying or getting upset doesn't change anything, he doesn't want to care so he doesn't. It feels very sad for me though.

Shell

I feel like I've become a shell of the person I used to be.

I'm trying to write about it but I keep deleting everything I write.

On Sunday Adam said to me, as we were walking into Ikea, that he needs me to "just focus going forward."

I hate feeling like I am constantly letting him down. I know I am. I hate being self employed.

I am a good employee. I work hard, I always have. I've had a job since I was 13 years old when I got a paper round.

But I am not good at this job. I am not self motivated. I need a boss. I need to be told what to do.

I feel like no one knows me. Like if I die, then a secret world might be discovered about me.

Adam gets my worst, all the time. And it's ground me down so much that I don't believe there is any good left in me.

I have no hope anymore.

I have no hope that we'll ever have a baby.

I hate myself and who I am right now. I worked so, so hard to get to a place where I actually liked myself a lot, where I felt confident.

I just literally make myself feel sick to my stomach when I think about myself.

I have no personality. I have become so shy, so invisible.

I just want to sink into myself, into a tiny ball. Dry up and just crumble away with the wind. There would be nothing inside, just a papery husk of an exterior.

#MeToo

I wanted to share my #metoo stories, but I was unsure whether to because what I have experienced never seemed "bad enough" and I have been very lucky in that respect. However I was watching this video and Raya said "that's the problem" - what I have experienced is really not okay, and we shouldn't normalise this kind of behaviour.

The time I asked a gardener to come and give us a quote. He seemed nice and friendly enough, he measured up the garden, rang me a couple of times to give me the price, and arrange to start the work. Then I got a phone call, he asked if I was in so he could come over to carry on the work. I said yes, he kind of giggled and said "oh I feel really nervous now", I asked why. He said "what if your husband comes back and catches us". Turns out, he thought he was coming round for sex and we were going to have an affair. We'd never spoken about anything more personal than my garden and our pets, he said he thought I liked him because I was "nice to him". I offered to help him measure the garden and held the other end of the tape measure. He thought this meant I wanted to sleep with him. I told him not to come over but he said he was going to anyway so we could talk. I rang my husband in a panic who was at work but luckily only a couple of minutes away who came home and spoke to him but it scares me to think what might have happened if he had just turned up.

I was staying in a youth hostel in Bondi Beach, and the bathrooms there were unisex. I was in the shower, and the walls were high but stopped about a foot from the ceiling. I was getting washed, there was no shower curtain and I looked up and saw someone watching me from the next cubicle. He must have been stood on the toilet seat, and was peering over the top. He saw me looking and ducked. I froze and didn't know what to do, I was covered in soap so tried to rinse quickly and grab my towel, and his head popped up again. I shouted to him, "what do you think you are doing?!" and he flushed the toilet and opened the door. I came out and told some girls who were stood in the bathroom who told the hostel manager. She asked me why I didn't scream. I didn't want to make a fuss. I look back at this and think, why didn't I just scream?

In a queue at a McDonalds on a night out at about 10pm. Two men in the queue behind me kept lifting my skirt up at the back.

On a night out at college with a group of friends. A friend of a friend who was out with us who was stood next to me just put his hand up my skirt.

Being accused of being racist because I wouldn't go to a much older man's house who was sat opposite me on the bus when I was 14.

Walking through the bus station one morning on my way to work, a man started making me feel uncomfortable. He was walking too close to me and matching my pace. He said something to me, I couldn't hear what he said, I ignored him. He physically stood in front of me, blocking my way and demanded to know why I hadn't said hello to him.

Multiple times of cat calling, groping, touching, unwanted attention; in school classrooms, school playgrounds, college, bars, clubs, the street.

Five years.

Five years feels like forever and nothing.

When I look at photos of him, he looks so familiar and so strange.

I think about him every day.

Dad, I miss you and love you so much. I wish you were still here.

Countries List

01. England
02. Scotland
03. Wales
04. France
05. Germany
06. Netherlands
07. Belgium
08. Austria
09. Slovakia
10. The Vatican
11. Moanco
12. Italy
13. Switzerland
14. Finland
15. Singapore
16. Australia
17. Hutt River Province
18. New Zealand
19. Fiji
20. Tahiti
21. Hong Kong
22. Mexico
23. Poland
24. USA
25. Hawaii
26. Iceland
27. Balearic Islands
28. Czech Republic
29. Gibraltar
30. Hungary

We found a beautiful house...

But, we're not buying it.

We were going to put an offer on, but I have been doing badly at work so Adam has decided he doesn't want to buy it now. I don't know how I feel.

On the one hand, I think that yes I have let some of the invoices slide. But, since I started working more seriously for the company we have been taking a lot more money. Adam was hesitant to spend the money already, before these issues came up. Nothing's changed in regards to the money we have or haven't got.

On the other, should I be more upset? I feel like I don't really care... I don't know if that's because it doesn't feel 100% final, he might change his mind. Or am I just not that bothered about the house? I can't tell.

I find the whole situation with houses so frustrating. Do I want to move to Sheffield, or stay in Barnsley? Do I want to sell our house or rent it out? How much do I want to spend? Do I want to move, or should I just stay where I am, do ours up, and buy a holiday home in a year or two? I genuinely just do not really know. When we were looking in Sheffield, I wanted to stay in Barnsley. Now we're considering staying in Barnsley, I want to move to Sheffield. I wish I could make up my mind, it's a pain being so indecisive!

Merry Christmas 2016

Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!