Shell

I feel like I've become a shell of the person I used to be.

I'm trying to write about it but I keep deleting everything I write.

On Sunday Adam said to me, as we were walking into Ikea, that he needs me to "just focus going forward."

I hate feeling like I am constantly letting him down. I know I am. I hate being self employed.

I am a good employee. I work hard, I always have. I've had a job since I was 13 years old when I got a paper round.

But I am not good at this job. I am not self motivated. I need a boss. I need to be told what to do.

I feel like no one knows me. Like if I die, then a secret world might be discovered about me.

Adam gets my worst, all the time. And it's ground me down so much that I don't believe there is any good left in me.

I have no hope anymore.

I have no hope that we'll ever have a baby.

I hate myself and who I am right now. I worked so, so hard to get to a place where I actually liked myself a lot, where I felt confident.

I just literally make myself feel sick to my stomach when I think about myself.

I have no personality. I have become so shy, so invisible.

I just want to sink into myself, into a tiny ball. Dry up and just crumble away with the wind. There would be nothing inside, just a papery husk of an exterior.