37

Another birthday, another post. He didn't forget this year, and it was a travel day (we were coming home from Mallorca) so it was hard to really do anything. But he never made a single bit of fuss for me. He never took me a present, or a card. He never said "I'll do that, it's your birthday!" or "let me make you a cup of tea, it's your birthday!" I told my counsellor about it, and about all the birthday's that had come before, and she said it all sounded very sad. That I was allowed to want my birthday to be celebrated. He did buy me a bunch of flowers a few days later.

36

Today is my birthday. I'm 36. I've spent so many birthdays in the past crying, feeling like he doesn't love me, feeling like he doesn't care about me, feeling wrong and like I'm wasting his time for wanting to take part in some of the traditional birthday type of stuff - breakfast in bed, cards, presents, etc Today is a new low though - he has completely forgotten it's my birthday. I'm not even upset. I'm numb to it. Crying or getting upset doesn't change anything, he doesn't want to care so he doesn't. It feels very sad for me though.

Shell

I feel like I've become a shell of the person I used to be.

I'm trying to write about it but I keep deleting everything I write.

On Sunday Adam said to me, as we were walking into Ikea, that he needs me to "just focus going forward."

I hate feeling like I am constantly letting him down. I know I am. I hate being self employed.

I am a good employee. I work hard, I always have. I've had a job since I was 13 years old when I got a paper round.

But I am not good at this job. I am not self motivated. I need a boss. I need to be told what to do.

I feel like no one knows me. Like if I die, then a secret world might be discovered about me.

Adam gets my worst, all the time. And it's ground me down so much that I don't believe there is any good left in me.

I have no hope anymore.

I have no hope that we'll ever have a baby.

I hate myself and who I am right now. I worked so, so hard to get to a place where I actually liked myself a lot, where I felt confident.

I just literally make myself feel sick to my stomach when I think about myself.

I have no personality. I have become so shy, so invisible.

I just want to sink into myself, into a tiny ball. Dry up and just crumble away with the wind. There would be nothing inside, just a papery husk of an exterior.

#MeToo

I wanted to share my #metoo stories, but I was unsure whether to because what I have experienced never seemed "bad enough" and I have been very lucky in that respect. However I was watching this video and Raya said "that's the problem" - what I have experienced is really not okay, and we shouldn't normalise this kind of behaviour.

The time I asked a gardener to come and give us a quote. He seemed nice and friendly enough, he measured up the garden, rang me a couple of times to give me the price, and arrange to start the work. Then I got a phone call, he asked if I was in so he could come over to carry on the work. I said yes, he kind of giggled and said "oh I feel really nervous now", I asked why. He said "what if your husband comes back and catches us". Turns out, he thought he was coming round for sex and we were going to have an affair. We'd never spoken about anything more personal than my garden and our pets, he said he thought I liked him because I was "nice to him". I offered to help him measure the garden and held the other end of the tape measure. He thought this meant I wanted to sleep with him. I told him not to come over but he said he was going to anyway so we could talk. I rang my husband in a panic who was at work but luckily only a couple of minutes away who came home and spoke to him but it scares me to think what might have happened if he had just turned up.

I was staying in a youth hostel in Bondi Beach, and the bathrooms there were unisex. I was in the shower, and the walls were high but stopped about a foot from the ceiling. I was getting washed, there was no shower curtain and I looked up and saw someone watching me from the next cubicle. He must have been stood on the toilet seat, and was peering over the top. He saw me looking and ducked. I froze and didn't know what to do, I was covered in soap so tried to rinse quickly and grab my towel, and his head popped up again. I shouted to him, "what do you think you are doing?!" and he flushed the toilet and opened the door. I came out and told some girls who were stood in the bathroom who told the hostel manager. She asked me why I didn't scream. I didn't want to make a fuss. I look back at this and think, why didn't I just scream?

In a queue at a McDonalds on a night out at about 10pm. Two men in the queue behind me kept lifting my skirt up at the back.

On a night out at college with a group of friends. A friend of a friend who was out with us who was stood next to me just put his hand up my skirt.

Being accused of being racist because I wouldn't go to a much older man's house who was sat opposite me on the bus when I was 14.

Walking through the bus station one morning on my way to work, a man started making me feel uncomfortable. He was walking too close to me and matching my pace. He said something to me, I couldn't hear what he said, I ignored him. He physically stood in front of me, blocking my way and demanded to know why I hadn't said hello to him.

Multiple times of cat calling, groping, touching, unwanted attention; in school classrooms, school playgrounds, college, bars, clubs, the street.

Five years.

Five years feels like forever and nothing.

When I look at photos of him, he looks so familiar and so strange.

I think about him every day.

Dad, I miss you and love you so much. I wish you were still here.

Countries List

01. England
02. Scotland
03. Wales
04. France
05. Germany
06. Netherlands
07. Belgium
08. Austria
09. Slovakia
10. The Vatican
11. Moanco
12. Italy
13. Switzerland
14. Finland
15. Singapore
16. Australia
17. Hutt River Province
18. New Zealand
19. Fiji
20. Tahiti
21. Hong Kong
22. Mexico
23. Poland
24. USA
25. Hawaii
26. Iceland
27. Balearic Islands
28. Czech Republic
29. Gibraltar
30. Hungary

We found a beautiful house...

But, we're not buying it.

We were going to put an offer on, but I have been doing badly at work so Adam has decided he doesn't want to buy it now. I don't know how I feel.

On the one hand, I think that yes I have let some of the invoices slide. But, since I started working more seriously for the company we have been taking a lot more money. Adam was hesitant to spend the money already, before these issues came up. Nothing's changed in regards to the money we have or haven't got.

On the other, should I be more upset? I feel like I don't really care... I don't know if that's because it doesn't feel 100% final, he might change his mind. Or am I just not that bothered about the house? I can't tell.

I find the whole situation with houses so frustrating. Do I want to move to Sheffield, or stay in Barnsley? Do I want to sell our house or rent it out? How much do I want to spend? Do I want to move, or should I just stay where I am, do ours up, and buy a holiday home in a year or two? I genuinely just do not really know. When we were looking in Sheffield, I wanted to stay in Barnsley. Now we're considering staying in Barnsley, I want to move to Sheffield. I wish I could make up my mind, it's a pain being so indecisive!

Merry Christmas 2016

Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

Baby names

I was just searching for the meaning of the name Ngaio... it means "light refelecting on water".

While I was looking, I also saw another name and I've fallen head over heels in love with it:

Name Aroha
Gender Female
Origin Maori
Meaning Love

I could have two baby girls, Ngaio Emma Richards and Aroha Isabelle Richards. Then we could have a baby boy, although I'm not sure what his name will be yet.

Oh gosh, I want a baby so much. I'm so ready to grow our family.

Reasons I am looking forward to losing weight

1. Wear shorts and a bikini in Hawaii. Adam and I have a booked a dream holiday in December - we're spending 3 nights in San Fransisco, then 7 nights in Hawaii. I am so excited, but I want to be able to wear shorts in Hawaii and a bikini on the beach and feel comfortable. The last few times I have been on holiday, I have sometimes felt really uncomfortable. I've felt fat, I've got stuck in a chair, had to ask for a seatbelt extension on the plane and had plenty of stares. I don't want this in Hawaii.
2. Go skiing.
3. Go ziplining.
4. Join a ballet class. This is something that I have always, always wanted to do. I never had lessons when I was a little girl, so would love to start now. I know I'll never be a ballerina but it's just something to do for me.
5. Be able to take more photos of myself. I know technically I could take them now, but I always hate how I look in them. I can't avoid seeing myself like I can in a perfectly angled selfie or the mirror.
6. Use less fabric/wool when making something for myself to wear. I have to knit so much more, or buy so much more fabric to make something for myself. I could literally half the time it would take for me to knit a cardigan for myself.
7. Enjoy sex more. I used to love sex. I would love to just ride Adam (crude, but true). I just feel so self conscious with myself.
8. Dressing how I want to dress. Not just making do in whatever is there and whatever fits me. Being able to choose and develop my own style and wear more expensive clothing.
9. Hide away less. I feel so embarassed of myself all the time, I have become this wall flower who won't say anything, ever. I want to get more of my personality back.
10. The big one. Be able to actively pursue getting pregnant. Enough said, really.

My husband.

“There is no greater risk than matrimony.
But there is nothing happier than a happy marriage.”
–Benjamin Disraeli, 1870

in a letter to Queen Victoria’s daughter Louise,
congratulating her on her engagement.
via the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert
I'm feeling incredibly grateful for my husband right now. He's just rung me to chat as he was driving from one job to another and he asked me what was wrong as I sounded a bit down. I told him I was worried about tomorrow, about going to work and having a one to one with my boss as my sales have been, and always will be, terrible and I'm going to be put onto a performance review at work if they didn't improve (which they haven't).

Adam was so sweet to me and told me that I didn't have to worry about working; that if I was unhappy and it was making me miserable I could just leave. That it was his job to provide for us in a monetary sense and that we make such a good team and look after each other and he wants to look after me.

It made me cry. I am so, so lucky to have him and there's not a day goes by that I'm not aware of this. I love him and appreciate him and hope more than anything that we'll be together forever.

Motherhood.

“During my professional career as a doctor of medicine, I was occasionally asked why I chose to do that difficult work. I responded with my opinion that the highest and noblest work in this life is that of a mother. Since that option was not available to me, I thought that caring for the sick might come close. I tried to care for my patients as compassionately and competently as Mother cared for me.

Many years ago the First Presidency issued a statement that has had a profound and lasting influence upon me. ‘Motherhood,’ they wrote, ‘is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels.

Because mothers are essential to God’s great plan of happiness, their sacred work is opposed by Satan, who would destroy the family and demean the worth of women.’ ” Russell M. Nelson, “Our Sacred Duty to Honor Women,” Ensign, May 1999, 38

I've just read this quote here and I love it. I can't wait to be a mother, and I just hope that one day I can be one.

Old film photo scans

After Dad died, Uncle Gary came round with some old photos which I immediately confiscated and scanned. I'd love to get more old photos, one's from Mum, and scan those too but for now I'm just sharing these. These photos are my childhood.









































(Except for that one. That one's Uncle Gary's wedding)

Pietro Politano

Last week I went to see a medium and I can't stop thinking about it.

I want to record it somehow before I completely forget as the memory of the things he said to me are already fading.

It was a group clairvoyancy evening at my best friends school. The medium, Pietro Politano, also works in some capacity with schools in our area as his 'day job', so he already knew my friend. I went with my Mum and my sister, and I thought it would just be something fun, and that even if we got a message I'd take it with a massive pinch of salt because he knows my friend, and I don't know what she might have told him about me/us, and that he would probably already know about the circumstances around my Dad's death.

Pietro came on and gave a short message to another woman, then he turned to my Mum and said "can I work with you?" My Mum said yes, he asked if we were there as a family and said he would speak to us as a family and he spoke about a couple of things and then he turned to me and said "can I work with you?"

I said yes.

He said a couple of things to me, which are fairly hazy in my memory but I think it was about how I had spirits around me trying to calm me, and I started to cry, and then he said "you see lights, don't you?" For some reason, I found it quite difficult to understand what he was saying to me and asked him to repeat himself and he said again "lights, you see lights, don't you?" It wasn't really a question, nothing he said was really a question, it was a statement. I was totally confused and everthing seemed really strange around me and I had a little voice in my head, tugging on my sleeve like a small child and trying to remind me of something that was just beyond my memory, and I kind of shook my head but then he said "sparkles, you see blue sparkles" and it hit me with 100% certainty.

After my Dad had died, I kept seeing little sparkly bits of light in front of my eyes. It worried me a little bit as when I'd blink they wouldn't go away and they were increasing in the time I could see them for and I could concentrate on them. I put it down to the fact that I was crying a lot and not sleeping properly and made a mental note to go to the opticians as it had been a while since I'd had my eyes tested, but then after one particular session of it in the kitchen which had been the longest yet, I didn't notice it happen again, but when Pietro said "blue sparkles" I knew these little dots of light were what he meant.

I hadn't told my friend about them - I hadn't told anyone about them.

Pietro nodded, he knew he was right and that it was just taking me a little while to realise what he was talking about. "Well," he said. "These lights, these sparkles, they're the spirits that are around you that you can see."

He'd already established that we'd lost someone very dear to us, and he said I talked to a photograph of them, which I do. When I see a photograph of my Dad, I talk to him, and it feels very intense. It feels differently than when I just talk to him in my head, it's almost as if I can feel him there with me, that I know he's heard me, that I can feel him reacting to what I'm saying.

He was talking to me for a bit longer then he went back to my Mum and asked her if she had any grandchildren, then he turned back to me and said "I've just got to let you know - there's a baby. There's a baby coming." Everyone on our table kind of exploded a bit then, my Mum and sister are desperate for me to have a baby and my friend and her Mum and Grandma were on our table too so they were saying some things too. It was so hard for me, that was what I so desperately wanted to hear. I ask God for a baby all the time, I ask my Dad to send me one too. For him to say that there was one coming, I just can't put into words how that made me feel. He then went on to say "I'm never normally wrong about these things, I once said it to a woman and she didn't believe me as she had been trying already for two and a half years, then I saw her not long after and she told me she was pregnant". I wish I could have asked him about it, asked him if he could elaborate, ask him what he saw, but no one knows that we've been trying for a baby. Whenever anyone asks them, we always say that we'd like to have kids but it's not quite the right time yet. I like that answer because it satisfies whoever is asking, but we're not lying. Obviously it hasn't been the right time yet otherwise we would surely have a baby by now.

He carried on talking to us, he was with us for quite a while. He said some other things, most of which I can't remember, he said things like last Christmas had been particularly hard on us all but this Christmas would be a family Christmas and would be much better, and he said that my sister had been having headaches, and we all just sat there like nodding dogs, all three of us, saying yes to absolutely everything he said. Then he said to us "does the name Stephen mean anything to you? Stephen or Steve?" I literally couldn't believe it. Everything he said to us had already been spot on but then he said this name to us. Stephen is my Dad's cousin, who died when I was a little girl in the same way my Dad did. I can only remember seeing him a few times as he was in the RAF and lived in Wales, but I loved him a lot, he was always so kind to us and made us laugh and I remember my Dad taking me out into the garden and sitting me down and telling me that he'd died. I remember it perfectly. I was astounded about the fact that Pietro had just given us his name, just came out with it. I've been to see another medium in the past and they've said something like "I've got someone here who 's name begins with a B... I mean, P... Peter... Paul... Pat..." so for this medium to just come right out and say the name Stephen straight away I was just... completely in awe. Then further in the conversation, he said he had a clean shaven man with him, and my Mum couldn't think who it would be, and then Pietro said "does the name Harry mean anything to you?" Harry is my Uncle also on my Dad's side who has also passed away. He gave us not just one name, but two!

The thing about it all as well is that everything he said to me, everything he said to my Mum, everything he said to my sister... My friend wouldn't have known any of it. He didn't say anything specifically about my Dad. She might have known my Uncle Stephen's name, but that would be it.

At the end of the show, we went to talk to him and my Mum asked him about having a private reading done, and he gave her a card. Then he turned to me and asked me if I was okay, and told me "everything will be okay. Stop whittling." I almost laughed out loud at that, as I have done nothing but whittle on in my mind and to Adam about babies for goodness knows how long. I stress about it so much.

My mind is officially blown, and I'm so thankful I went. I've felt such a sense of peace and calm since I wsaw him. I feel like, because of everything that has happened to us over the past year or so, I have not been myself, and even my faith was shaken. I feel more like myself now than I have done for a long time, and it hasn't stopped me hurting about my Dad, but it has helped me. I feel restored in myself and in my faith. I feel like I know now that even though when I speak to God I might not get an answer straight away but it doesn't mean that he hasn't heard me. I 100% believe that Pietro was communicating with the spirit world.

I can't wait to go and see him again.

Living room redecoration: Part 2

Some photos from during our living room redecoration:



Adam's Dad painting the walls for us



Adam spotted this table outside a junk shop driving to a job one day. He told me about it and I drove out to the shop, and bought it - for £5! Bargain. It has the TV on now, and I really love it.



The new fire on it's maiden voyage after just being installed by Adam.

Living room redecoration: Part 1

When we first moved into our house, we decorated everything in a bit of a rush. We didn't have loads of money to spare on decorating and we had to do every room in one go as we had knocked the house back to bare brick, and started completely again from scratch. We moved walls and swapped rooms around and took rooms out. It was a big job.

Now that I know a bit more about decorating, and I have more of an idea about what looks good and seen things that I like home-decor wise, I was unhappy with some of the rooms in the house. Mainly the living room and the kitchen. The living room was so plain and boring. We had some nice wallpaper on the chimney breast wall but the walls were plain and neutral and we didn't have any photos or personal bits up around the room or on the walls or anything. So, we decided to redecorate and start with the living room.

Here are the before pictures of our living room redecoration:

Edinburgh

During December, I had some weekends booked off work which I'd put in months before. So Adam asked me if I'd like to go for a visit to Edinburgh. Of course I said yes! We'd been to Edinburgh once before but it was a bit of a flying visit. I loved it, and had an amazing time. We drove up, and booked a hotel which ended up being absolutely lovely and having the perfect location.

It was nice to get away and have some time just the two of us. We kept it very low key and in fact we were back in our hotel room after a lovely meal out at about 9pm and asleep for about 10pm. We didn't wake up until 9am the next morning, it was absolutely glorious, especially as I could probably count the nights of unbroken sleep since we got Roxy on one hand.

We went around on a sight seeing bus and saw all the sites, and walked down a massive long street from the castle with loads of shops on. There was a big market there, complete with ice skating rink. We bought a couple of decorations for the tree, and it was lovely.

Edinburgh I'll be seeing you again!

Cousins

Sunday Morning Walks

Sunday morning walks have started becoming a bit of a ritual for our little family. I have to say, I've been really enjoying them too. I always hate the idea of going for a walk but when I go for one I really enjoy it. We've been walking around Worsbrough Res mostly, but have been up to Langsett a couple of times. I took my phone with me and snapped a few photos when we were there last Sunday. It's really beautiful.













I'm looking forward to our walk next Sunday!

101 things to do before I die

Emma's version:

1. Get married
2. Have a baby
3. Adopt a child
4. Get to a healthy BMI
5. Be a size 12
6. Live abroad for an extended period
7. Work for myself full time
8. Get a degree
9. Visit NYC and; eat a Levain cookie, get hot chocolate with marshmallow at City Bakery, go to Shake Shack
10. Climb Kilimanjaro
11. Go on a food tour roadtrip of USA with Beth
12. Have Jonas Peterson or another amazing photographer take photos of Adam and I
13. Visit all 7 continents
14. Go on safari
15. Skydive
16. Cage dive with great white sharks
17. Start a YouTube channel and have 1000 followers
18. Snorkel at Lady Elliott Island again
19. Take Mum on a dream holiday
20. Live in a city again
21. Be an Auntie
22. Visit friends overseas
23. Wear a bikini
24. Own a Luis Vuitton weekend bag
25. Go abroad on a business trip
26. See killer whales/orcas in the wild
27. Try almond milk
28. Go skinny dipping
29. Get a masters degree
30. Win an award (I don’t necessarily mind what in!)
31. Write a book
32. Travel to China
33. Do artisan baking course
34. Have market stall selling artisan baking
35. Go to Washington, Conneticut to see the town that inspired Gilmore Girls
36. Learn graphic design
37. Set up and run an etsy shop
38. Be good at crochet
39. Be good at knitting
40. Visit Big Sur, stop in a very fancy hotel with private hot tub on own private terrace
41. Go back to Australia
42. Make cheese
43. Go on a massive clothes shopping spree once I reach a size 12
44. Go to Tokyo Disneyland
45. Take children on an amazing holiday
46. Have a tattoo
47. Touch a tiger
48. Take my children to a big festival
49. See the Lion King in a theatre
50. See Rocky Horror Picture Show in a theatre
51. Donate my eggs if possible
52. Visit Iceland
53. Travel in Japan
54. Drive a monster truck
55. Go to Glastonbury for Dad
56. Knit a cardigan
57. Jump off a waterfall
58. Visit 50 countries
59. Visit Washington DC
60. See inside a volcano
61. Have a photo I took printed
62. Have something I wrote printed
63. Own my home outright
64. Own a second home outright
65. Watch the salmon run in a peak year
66. Go storm chasing and see a tornado
67. Stay in a Four Seasons hotel
68. Go in a hot air balloon
69. See the Aurora Borealis
70. Go to Coachella
71. See the following animals in the wild; gorilla, lion, tiger, elephant, orangutan
72. Swim with dolphins
73. Walk coast to coast from England
74. Conquer my fear of spiders
75. Go zip lining
76. Go skinny dipping
77. Be able to do the following yoga poses: dancer, wheel, crow, scorpion
78. Swim in Devil's Pool at Victoria Falls.
79. Brew my own beer/wine - that tastes nice!
80. Go to Loch Ness
81. Visit the door to Hell
82. Climb the stairs to Heaven
83. Get acupuncture
84. Go to Plitvice Lakes National Park
85. Go to the Great Blue Hole
86. Stand in the centre of Stonehenge
87. Be in Mexico for Dia de los Muertos
88. Go on a sunset lava cruise in Hawaii
89. Go to Lake Hillier
90. Learn to spin a car into a parking space
91. Go to Maho Beach
92. Go to Mass Games in North Korea
93. Learn to speak Spanish
94. Visit 100 countries and join TCC
95. Have cooking lessons in: Mexico, Thailand, India, Japan
96. Visit a bioluminescent bay in Puerto Rico
97. Take trapeze lessons
98. Hand feed flamingos on flamingo beach, Renaissance Island, Aruba
99. See a wild polar bear
100. Lunch in December at Petersham Nurseries
101. Go on holiday on my own

Goals completed: 5/95

...to be continued...