Five years.

Five years feels like forever and nothing.

When I look at photos of him, he looks so familiar and so strange.

I think about him every day.

Dad, I miss you and love you so much. I wish you were still here.

Countries List

01. England
02. Scotland
03. Wales
04. France
05. Germany
06. Netherlands
07. Belgium
08. Austria
09. Slovakia
10. The Vatican
11. Moanco
12. Italy
13. Switzerland
14. Finland
15. Singapore
16. Australia
17. Hutt River Province
18. New Zealand
19. Fiji
20. Tahiti
21. Hong Kong
22. Mexico
23. Poland
24. USA
25. Hawaii
26. Iceland
27. Balearic Islands
28. Czech Republic
29. Gibraltar
30. Hungary

We found a beautiful house...

But, we're not buying it.

We were going to put an offer on, but I have been doing badly at work so Adam has decided he doesn't want to buy it now. I don't know how I feel.

On the one hand, I think that yes I have let some of the invoices slide. But, since I started working more seriously for the company we have been taking a lot more money. Adam was hesitant to spend the money already, before these issues came up. Nothing's changed in regards to the money we have or haven't got.

On the other, should I be more upset? I feel like I don't really care... I don't know if that's because it doesn't feel 100% final, he might change his mind. Or am I just not that bothered about the house? I can't tell.

I find the whole situation with houses so frustrating. Do I want to move to Sheffield, or stay in Barnsley? Do I want to sell our house or rent it out? How much do I want to spend? Do I want to move, or should I just stay where I am, do ours up, and buy a holiday home in a year or two? I genuinely just do not really know. When we were looking in Sheffield, I wanted to stay in Barnsley. Now we're considering staying in Barnsley, I want to move to Sheffield. I wish I could make up my mind, it's a pain being so indecisive!

Merry Christmas 2016

Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

Baby names

I was just searching for the meaning of the name Ngaio... it means "light refelecting on water".

While I was looking, I also saw another name and I've fallen head over heels in love with it:

Name Aroha
Gender Female
Origin Maori
Meaning Love

I could have two baby girls, Ngaio Emma Richards and Aroha Isabelle Richards. Then we could have a baby boy, although I'm not sure what his name will be yet.

Oh gosh, I want a baby so much. I'm so ready to grow our family.

Reasons I am looking forward to losing weight

1. Wear shorts and a bikini in Hawaii. Adam and I have a booked a dream holiday in December - we're spending 3 nights in San Fransisco, then 7 nights in Hawaii. I am so excited, but I want to be able to wear shorts in Hawaii and a bikini on the beach and feel comfortable. The last few times I have been on holiday, I have sometimes felt really uncomfortable. I've felt fat, I've got stuck in a chair, had to ask for a seatbelt extension on the plane and had plenty of stares. I don't want this in Hawaii.
2. Go skiing.
3. Go ziplining.
4. Join a ballet class. This is something that I have always, always wanted to do. I never had lessons when I was a little girl, so would love to start now. I know I'll never be a ballerina but it's just something to do for me.
5. Be able to take more photos of myself. I know technically I could take them now, but I always hate how I look in them. I can't avoid seeing myself like I can in a perfectly angled selfie or the mirror.
6. Use less fabric/wool when making something for myself to wear. I have to knit so much more, or buy so much more fabric to make something for myself. I could literally half the time it would take for me to knit a cardigan for myself.
7. Enjoy sex more. I used to love sex. I would love to just ride Adam (crude, but true). I just feel so self conscious with myself.
8. Dressing how I want to dress. Not just making do in whatever is there and whatever fits me. Being able to choose and develop my own style and wear more expensive clothing.
9. Hide away less. I feel so embarassed of myself all the time, I have become this wall flower who won't say anything, ever. I want to get more of my personality back.
10. The big one. Be able to actively pursue getting pregnant. Enough said, really.

My husband.

“There is no greater risk than matrimony.
But there is nothing happier than a happy marriage.”
–Benjamin Disraeli, 1870

in a letter to Queen Victoria’s daughter Louise,
congratulating her on her engagement.
via the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert
I'm feeling incredibly grateful for my husband right now. He's just rung me to chat as he was driving from one job to another and he asked me what was wrong as I sounded a bit down. I told him I was worried about tomorrow, about going to work and having a one to one with my boss as my sales have been, and always will be, terrible and I'm going to be put onto a performance review at work if they didn't improve (which they haven't).

Adam was so sweet to me and told me that I didn't have to worry about working; that if I was unhappy and it was making me miserable I could just leave. That it was his job to provide for us in a monetary sense and that we make such a good team and look after each other and he wants to look after me.

It made me cry. I am so, so lucky to have him and there's not a day goes by that I'm not aware of this. I love him and appreciate him and hope more than anything that we'll be together forever.